I recognized last week that I still have this this fear of being rejected. Hmmmm….My Sneeze suite of programs were still functioning.
It came with a bang and a severe shock. Feeling grateful that I was able to catch it……I now stopped myself from doing whatever I was doing. I felt the need to get to the bottom of this.
Is this what is making me want to be the eternal “Good Guy”….so that I am not rejected ?.
Yes it was. I was never being myself…I was never saying and doing what I really wanted to say and do….because I might not be accepted or loved for who I was. This realisation brought in a great swell of silence within. A sense of freedom. A sense of knowingness, that I am not accountable to anyone but myself. I do not have to be anything but myself. I just have to be what nature intended me to be —-> Not what the world expected me to be.
What was behind my fear of rejection ?.
That I would be alone !!!!
Ok, so what ? Why was that so scary ?
If I was alone and no one was there….who would take care of me ?
Why would I need taking care off ?
The first answer that came to my head. “Because you may fall sick”. Without someone capable, knowing it all and who loves you, you would be very lost and in severe pain.
Thats it ???? …..not because
- I enjoy other people I may feel lonely ?
- I may get bored ?
- I may miss the beauty and variety of the different views of the world that people have ?
- I loved to do things in a group.
As all of this flashed within me I realised that I had somehow allowed myself to be programmed that
- On my own I was weak and was a NOTHING-er
- We need others so we can be well
- Without others we will never be safe and secure
- Feeling secure is the most important thing in the world (The feeling of adventure, exploration, investigation….all this did not matter).
When I look back at my life now my most proudest and AHA moments were
- Whenever I decided to do my own thing, overcoming my own fears
- Whenever I did something for the first time which no other person known to me had done. The learning from here was so authentic it was ME. I felt more me than ever before.
- When I allowed myself to be spontaneous and not go with the calculation that I needed to please someone.
- Whenever I felt the truth in every cell of mine. When I had no doubts whatsoever. I was living the truth of that moment. When the consequences did not matter. I simply stood with the truth. I did not even have to speak. I needed to just be and hold my place in existence at that moment.
Likewise, my most regrettable moments were those when I had chosen to follow a formula and a compulsion where I needed to do things for my IMAGE (The good guy) rather than for my heart.
However, I don’t regret these decisions anymore. Definitely, not since I realised the above. They have been tremendous points of learning in making sure I do not repeat those choices in similar future circumstances.
I now looked at my past behavior. A quick audit. Did I do something because I needed to be the nice guy (99% of the time) or did I do it as a mark and expression of my authenticity and true self (the other 1%)?.
- Whether it was the friends I kept,
- the person I accepted as a spouse,
- the school I went to,
- where I invested my money,
- where I usually traveled
- The clothes I wore
- The food I ate…..
So, basically, 99% of my life was FAKED. I was living other people’s choices and dreams.
When was I ever going to be authentic ?. The price for not being authentic is captured in the below pic.
How did I become what I had become ?
I realised that there were certain themes that were repeated almost on a daily basis into my mind as I was growing up. This, “being a nice guy” was programming from my family culture…(Hidden threat being : You will not be loved or taken care off until you subscribe to the following)
- Academics is the most important thing. A man who does not excel in academics is a loser. No one wants him.
- You have to respect those elder than you (Even if they are stupid, abusive, intolerant and bullies ?)
- You have to marry within the community.
- Adjustments and compromises are what make a family
- We are clearly superior to other cultures. We are the best known academicians around.
- We speak only the truth.
- We are never subservient.
- We are hard workers (hidden message : others waste their time)
- Look at us….your perfect parents. Although we have our differences….big ones…we are truly made for each other !!! We cannot be without each other.
- You may follow what you like BUT…….
- Good guys avoid dirty / tricky situations. They ignore it and mind their own business. (good guys are supposed to avoid responsibility ?)
- Those who argue are trouble makers.
- If you question your parent’s love, you are useless. For your academics to be good, you need to be blessed by your parents and elders.
- Do not wash your head. You will get a cold.
- Do not get wet in the rain. You will get a fever.
- Do not climb trees. You will fall.
- Do not play in the sun. You will sweat. Then the water will get into your head and you will get a head cold and then a fever and then a cough. Thats terrible. You are better off indoors.
- Mr C loves us. He is a good man. Mr K is cold to us. He is a terrible fellow.
- People with money are arrogant.
…..I am sure we all get the drift.
Introducing your controllers
There are some key things you have to remember (ONCE AGAIN)
- You are a LIGHT being of immense potential.
- You are not just your biology and what other people said you are.
- Your job is to figure out what ALL you are.
- The only way to re-discover yourself is to be able authentic and unambiguous with yourself. Accepting experiences that life throws at you and not attempting to fit them all in any popular truth template that you were programmed to believe by constant repetition.
Hence the definition of the controller. We all have controllers. Our controllers are those whose job is to be the expert at distracting you from asking and pursuing the answers for the most important and relevant questions in your life. They are the implementors of the virtual prison you find yourself in. (ie the Matrix)
- How did I get here ?
- What am I doing here ?
- Did I get here by accident or design ?
- Why at this time ?
- What is my main purpose ?
- Why do I need to struggle ? if nothing really matters. I came with nothing. I am going with nothing.
- Why am I being told at every stage what to do and what not to do ? My parents, my teachers, my government, my boss, my spouse….everybody dictates terms to me…even if they say it nicely.
- What is my true nature. ? What happens when my body dies ? Is there really a soul ?
- Do I have a soul ? In which case I am the body….right ?
- Or do I have a body ? In which case I am the soul… (If there is one)
- Is the mind the soul ?
- If thats the case, my mind often is very confused. Is the soul confused ?
- Often I know that I am thinking and I am able to observe my own thoughts. That means I am out of my mind and just observing it. So what does that make me ? Sheer awareness that observes things ? I notice that anything I am consciously observing… then that becomes my experience. My world collapses into that which I am observing.
- Is there really God ?
- If God is eternal, ubiquitous, all powerful…then why does this God have demands of me ? How can I upset him (why not her ?) by doing somethign wrong or sinful. Afterall, if I ca do something to upset them then I have more power over them NO ?
…..and so forth.
Your controllers control you by doing the following.
Our controllers are very good at doing their jobs.
Its time we excelled at ours.
Your controllers can be family, friends, bosses, religious leaders, government, companies, siblings, lovers….anybody. Together, they have created the control system. One of the best introductions I have seen on this control system can be seen in the video below.
If you went through this entire post….you will realise that this is the real star trek …
“Go where no man has ever gone before”.